Reactive
– pertaining to or characterized by reaction. Whether you are reacting to what you have seen or heard, trying to avoid an adverse reaction to what you are not admitting to or trying to snuff out continuous damage done to your physique by your bad habits, it is all in some way reactive.
Oh no! I think Jodi just threw out her back while actin’ a fool listenin’ to your new diet request. WOW.
The “I Watched Too Many Documentaries” Diet
What is the origin of this diet? Skinny Bitch, Omnivores Dilemma, Food Inc., Forks Over Knives
Why do we think we do this? Because we are on the cutting edge of health information and we need to set an example for our families and clients. We need to be aware of what is in our foods.
Why do we really do it? We’re scared crapless! Oh no! We’re gonna die! Aaaahhhhhhh!
I do not know why y’alls do it to yourselves. And then I don’t know why you then turn around and do it to me! Stop watching these films and reading these books! It makes you psycho.
We all have things we do not like about ourselves and we make it a point to work on trying to change them. One of the things that drive me crazy about myself is that I am physically dramatic whether I want to be or not. Yes, I am dramatic when I tell you a story or I want to explain something to you and that’s a good thing, but it becomes a bad thing when you come to me with your new food kick you are on because you watched one of these documentaries:
“Jodi.” The minute you say my name like that I tense up like my 7 year old does when he hears me coming up the basement stairs while he is illegally fishing for snacks in the cabinet.
“I was watching {insert scary movie name here} (instantaneously I just convulsed in your presence) and I had no idea that {insert some God awful thing here like cows were fed pig eyeballs for 4 weeks to fatten them up so they could be slaughtered with acid, fed to llama, regurgitated, breaded and shipped to school kids in Idaho}. I will never eat {meat, starch, sugar, veggies, worms, etc} again. Can you help me put a diet together of wheat grass, tempeh and locusts?”
At this point, I have rolled my eyes so hard that I have most likely sprained my Levator Palpebrae Superioris behind my eyeball, sighed in such a manner that I have expelled every inch of air from my lungs and my afro has grown at least 3 inches off of my head into a full blown peacock plumage. I am visibly not on board with anything that you are saying and I am about as professional as a chimpanzee running around in IKEA. I admit this fully and I apologize if I have ever done this to you. But, please, stop watching these things. If you are not set on changing the world through an aggressive social campaign, spare yourself the drama and just eat whatever food you are now afraid of while praying that it won’t kill you. I say this because very few of you are truly prepared to become responsible vegetarians. What you actually become is an “I-refuse-to-eat-meat-a-tarian”, which is just a physique nightmare waiting to happen. Suddenly your meals become cheese, lots of starch and the two vegetables you still eat (because you know you hate asparagus, green beans and broccoli now). Holy hodge podge of food, Batman! Stop making me show my behind in public by acting out this way. Just say no to these films!
I do realize that none of you would try to eat brickle every day and pass it off as okay. But you see, I love brickle…and I do have a picture of chocolate and wine but…I love bricke…and I wanted to see it again…so…I added it. Sorry. It’s all about me right now.
The Hypnosis Diet
What is the origin of this diet? Wine is good for you. Chocolate has antioxidants. It’s just a little milk in my coffee.
Why do we think we do this? We want to prove we can keep these things in our diet because we have restraint, unlike general public dieters, we are different.
Why do we really do it? Life is hard right now and we want what we want when we want it so we convince ourselves that the thing that makes us feel best is actually good for us. And it stokes our sense of adventure by making us feel like we can get away with something.
What I love about this diet is that this is the hidden diet. This is the thing that you are doing that you think that I don’t know that you are doing that you are secretly hoping you do not have to confess to doing while we are still friends. Whatever this thing is, it is so good and so important to your well being that you would risk a few pounds on the scale for it and you do not care. It would take a force of nature to get you to give this thing up. You would have had to have watched one of those scary food documentaries and find out that your beloved thing was made with squid guts from the sewers of a third world country and even then you would try to find an organic version of it. You love it and you have convinced yourself it doesn’t have calories or any kind of impact on your goal whatsoever. When I finally approach you about the thing that you think that I don’t know that you are doing or you finally have to confess it because the pressure is too much to take anymore, you present it to me in 1 of 3 ways:
1) The scientific approach: “Jodi, studies show that having molten lava chocolate cake once a day enhances your love life and you know my husband and I are struggling.”
2) The humanistic approach: “Honestly, Jo, this was the only thing keeping me sane during company layoffs. I just figured that if it kept my cortisol levels down, it was helping. It was just a jar of nutella.”
3) The defensive approach: “I figured you knew. How was I supposed to know I shouldn’t be having a quart of cream and a ½ pound of sugar in my 7 coffees a day? Jeesh!”
Face it, ladies, you don’t stand a chance against this foe. Look at it. It’s creamy and yummy and…and…
The Paying Penance Diet
What is a good example of this diet? Juicing, cleanses, any kind of “jump start” plan, shakes and also really hard, psycho workouts that defy human nature fall into this category, too.
Why do we think we do this? We’re cleaning out the toxins, we need to get our heads focused, we need structure, we love to sweat.
Why do we really do it? We put ourselves on punishment for some kind of out of control behavior that we feel we should not get away with so “pat me on the head for disciplining myself”, please. In fact, you will try to talk about this diet like you deserve it for the awful behavior you have been engaging in.
If you have ever had the luxury of having this conversation with me regarding one of these diets, you now know you will never ask again because I will give you the hairy eyeball times two and force you to fess up. It starts out this way:
“Jodi. What do you think of {insert latest hot product name} cleanse/shake system/cat-o-nine tails? “
Sudden silence–enough for me to make you uncomfortable. Steely stare. No facial expression. You start squirming.
“No, I know what you’re thinking. I just want to try it out.”
I break the silence: no inflection in voice, quiet, resolute.
“Why?”
You’re nervous. “Well, because I heard it really helps with cleaning out the body.”
“Oh? Why do you need help with that?”
After what seems like hours but really was no more than a 2 min exchange you begin to babble…
“Honestly, Jo, I am just a mess right now and I need something to get me back on track because I can’t stop eating {insert whatever here but usually full of sugar and involves some form of peanut butter—I know of very few women who can stand against peanut butter} and I just want to feel clean again. I feel gross. Work is a mess and I am tired and I am not working out the way I want to and I am up 3 pounds and I eat it every flipping day and…and…and..”
…so you somehow think I am going to say it is ok for you to enter into an incredibly negative cycle of out of control eating and then “cleansing” it away. Umm…yeah…no. But what *is* good is that I just stared at you in such a way that you are now thinking about what you just asked me and realizing the root of your folly. Bullseye. I joke about this one today, but I bring it up again in a different way a little later on and all humor is gone. Knock it off. {hairy eyeball}
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